SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
just got my engagement photos
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”