[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Money is the root of all wealth
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”