*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry