Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@daemonic3

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

@joejwest

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

@FunnyBison

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

@FlyJ_

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@d_whitehouse

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

@jennifermerr

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

@nerdamage

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!