superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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how high up are we talkin’?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Who did it better?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.