@abbycohenwl Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@_wangwe Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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@abbycohenwl 
@elle91 “Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
@beckyiniowa If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
@daemonic3 “KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
@Crunch11b Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
@kelkulus I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
@Molly_Kats A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
@CrackedIllusion Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
@TheBoydP Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
@ValeeGrrl Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select