@_wangwe

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

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@abbycohenwl

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

@beckyiniowa

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

@CrackedIllusion

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

@ValeeGrrl

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select