Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Had an epiphany today.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.