Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
$4 #usedbooks
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™