@Reverend_Scott

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

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@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@sadkxit

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat