supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.