supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.