@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

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@reczit

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

@joeislamo

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@hilaryfairie

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

@permawedgie

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

@68Cly29

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

@JediGigi

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

@djdarrellripley

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

@Writepop

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.