@reczit Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
@T_N_Crumpets [Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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@reczit 
@joeislamo Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
@GingerHotDish Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
@hilaryfairie Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
@permawedgie My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
@68Cly29 Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
@JediGigi Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
@djdarrellripley Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
@Writepop Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
@ericsshadow [answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.