Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!