superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!