@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

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@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

@

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

@Shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@Skoog

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@meatypunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”