SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Dune (2021)
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus