Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.