Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

I love art.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Brother?

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*