@noog

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

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@hike_charity

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@electrolemon

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

@KimmyMonte

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

@TheHyyyype

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

@ohthatbadger

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

@krystaunclear

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

@pixelatedboat

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.