Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
starting a garage orchestra
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks