Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

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Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!


[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.


Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.


I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”


Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.


I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you