“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder