Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.
Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
A ghost story
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
her: did u bring protection
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
me: I see
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?