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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
A great first step 😂
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this