Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My dog ate my work from home.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.