sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place