Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.