Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Breaking news:
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.