Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Noted.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?