Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.