Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline