Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.