Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.