Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.