Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
You Might Also Like
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
This January has 47 Mondays
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true