Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Happy Halloween 🎃
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Meme Monday.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed