Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
sry
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Before & after 😅
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?