Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Free him
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.