Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.