Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.