Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
They’re on their honeymoon
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.