Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.