Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
me: Good night
brain: Good night
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag