Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
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I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.