Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Saturday
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?