Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The glockness monster
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?