Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
There’s never enough good news
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*