sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.