Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

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[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol


*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*


[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?


Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.


I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.


I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.