Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀