@PaperWash [while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
@Kyle_Lippert Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
You Might Also Like
@PaperWash 
@Ideal_Victoria *experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
@simoncholland [Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@MichaelTrying Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
@TweetPotato314 I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
@iwearaonesie me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
@AmishPornStar1 Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@bewgtweets Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
@DougStanhope I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
@impaulmccoy If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.