Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.