sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
saw this in a dream
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night