Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I love art.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.