sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
You Might Also Like
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
DOOO EEEET