Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”