sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.