Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
LOOOOOOL
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My favorite farside!!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.